today i swallowed my gum

almost half a year with no posts and this is what i have to say.

in case you were wondering, nothing else is going on.

white rice diet

the only thing keeping me from a 24-7 vomit festivus.

whats a girl to do?

more ativan please....

up north

there are jobs up here.
people i dont know.
the same different things to see.

my stomach feels like a tar pit.
i have lost five pounds.
and my hands on fire, itch and burn.

i slept off most of the day.
away in a dream, i dont remember anything about it.
someone asks if im ok.

i will need to figure out something soon.
i wrote letters to people who need to know-
just how i feel about them and why-
and if you are reading this-
you need to know too.

i have decided:
most of you do not
wont
do not care enough to
or cannot
understand me.

i dress nice to go get hired somewhere.
i forgot to brush my hair.
my clothes did not match.
i lost my good shoes.
i did not get a job.

i thought tan and pink went well together.
i smiled at myself in a mirror before i left-
i looked just like all those times i did
when you said i was pretty.
so whats wrong with the way my hair is now?

someone mistook a rhyme for alliteration.
i said
"close"
even though it wasnt.

now i wonder
is this how the rest of the world feels about me as well?

leavin' in a big F-150

two weeks from now is the push into a normal existence, with normal parameters.
je suis domestique.
and breeding.
just to show how able i am.

i will pack all my things, again.

all at the small price of one best friend.

i would be lying if i said i was disappointed,
this is exactly what i expected.

my sincerest apologies to smokers of the world...

dear smokers,

i am leaving you, kicking and screaming.
i don't not wish to quit, as i love nothing more than the sweet, succulent, savory sips off my Spirits- ALAS!
its just-
its so, so, so expensive- and i-

well-

it's probably better for my lungs this way.

be sure i will miss you.
when i smell the scent of nicotine on the breeze, i will close my eyes, and i will remember...

my sincerest apologies for being a dumb bitch....

dear world,

i think it is the addicts who have it easiest. because addiction is a disease, and can be cured, and forgiven.

sadness is intolerable.

it is the rejection that life is a miracle, this beautiful fragile thing, that exists mystically, and wrong to question.

a unicorn was found in italy.

a deer with a genetic mutation causing one antler to grow from the center of its forehead was found in italy.

she named her daughter after a saint.

i named my daughter after a simpsons reference.

they lie.

i dont tell the whole truth.

they say.

i do.

too generous, too timid, too ready to hide.

i don't reject the miracle of life. i do reject the uniqueness of it.

sadness could be an addiction right?

being sad is comfortable. loneliness is comfortable. alienation- preferable.

c'est vrai

i went back to ohio but nothing changed.
i was stunned and amazed
because nothing has changed
--- with apologies to the pretenders

....

that was 8 years ago.

...

realizing of course the mismatch of tense in the above paragraph, i offer a generous amount of rupees to the first person to point out why it doesn't quite not work.
today is playing out like a haiku on a punk rock bass line.
i keep writing on pacific time
and i tell myself to quiet down
but whats the use in a silent frown?